Bob's voicemail is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

You know what I hate about voicemail messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not a voicemail; this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you and I'll think about returning your call.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is a voicemail? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe you don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if its reality, I will call you back.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone; you might have to deal with me in person.

Bob has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message; I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I don't know, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.

Hi I'm sorry I couldn't come to the phone but if you hop 3 times, spin around, touch your nose and say your name, then leave me a message after the beep, I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Roses are red violets are blue I cant get to my phone right now so too bad for you.

Hi, this is not the number you are trying to call. Please check the number.